Lost It
by Vampirical.Angel
Summary: Serena breaks down one day, tearing her room apart. She just loses it. She needs to escape. Disclaimer: don't own sailor moon - just borrows the characters to portray feelings i know too well
1. Chapter 1

**Lost it**

She stood there, in the middle of her room, looking around at the mess she had created in her room. Pieces of paper laid scattered around in various places, shredded and torn, discarded and thrown away. They didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Her chest rose and fell heavily as she took depth breaths, trying to quell the anger and rage that bubbled inside her chest. She'd had enough; she couldn't take anymore of her monotonous life. She looked around the room, surveying the damage caused. Anything previously on a surface, easily accessible, was now thrown somewhere in the room, most likely on the floor, though not always in the same condition it was before. If someone had come in and she wasn't standing there, it would have looked like a tornado had entered through the broken window. But that wasn't the case, she had done it. She had caused this. She was to blame.

The problem was though, she hadn't remembered even causing this mess. It was like someone else had taken over her body for a period of time. She had no memory of doing it. But all the facts pointed towards her doing it, especially the fresh cut on her hand caused by smashing her mirror. Blood seeped out of the wound, not enough to be life threatening, but enough to need bandages, but she took no notice of it. What was one more wound? It wasn't like she hadn't had any before. No, she'd gotten them every night for the past 3 years, ever since she turned 14. Those cuts, those were the cause of this, the reason why she had just lost it.

She was sick and tired of it. Sick of the lies, the fake smiles, the sugar-coated happy-go-lucky attitude she put on every day to convince others that nothing was wrong. But that was a lie. She wasn't alright, nothing was ok, it never was. She was tired – mentally, physically, emotionally tired, of everything. She couldn't keep up the lies and plastic smiles anymore. Everything was too much effort to keep pretending and convincing people that everything was ok. She didn't know who she was trying to convince anymore either, herself or those around her. It was like she was lying to herself about who she was, why she was doing things. Denying to herself, and to others, that the loneliness she felt, the darkness, the emptiness, all of it, that it was all just in her head, that in actual fact, she was just a normal 17 year old teenager going through a phase. A phase that just made her an attention seeking brat who had nothing wrong with her, who was making a big deal out of nothing. That was who she really was.

She wasn't sure how her friends, hell even her family, bought the lies and deceit. She knew she wasn't _that_ great of an actress, though she managed to keep her true feelings blocked at a lot of the time, but she also knew that there were times where she failed and let her true feelings show. So then what was it? Was it that her friends didn't actually care how she felt? That they just wanted her to believe that they cared about her when they really didn't care at all. Was that it? Was she too much of a burden to her friends that they didn't bother to wonder if she was actually ok? Or did they truly believe that she was ok? She didn't know, but she knew that they would never actually tell her the truth; she just had to guess their feelings about her.

She just didn't know anything anymore and the worst part was - she didn't know whether she wanted to either. She didn't want to be her, she wanted to be someone who knew what they were thinking, why they thinking it. She didn't want to be the person who wasted her life - she wanted to be like her friends, people who knew what they were doing in life, people who were happy with their lives. She wanted to be happy with who she was. She wanted to feel like she had a purpose in life. She just wanted to stop these feelings that she had inside of her. She just didn't know how.

Everything just needed to stop. Time to stop moving, friends to stop ignoring her, the thoughts in her head just to stop. She wanted everything just to stop. She knew everything would just be easier if it just didn't exist. If she didn't exist. She wasn't the suicidal type, but there were often thoughts through her head of just needing to not exist, just to escape everything that existed around and in her. She used to be able to escape reality, and she had managed it in the beginning, but recently, her escape from reality failed her. It wouldn't sweep her away from the world anymore, leaving her worries and troubles of the real world behind, ignored, repressed. No, now, all it did was delay time from moving forward and giving her more time to wonder whether she was actually worth anything.

She spotted her diary lying open, face down, on the floor not too far away from where she was sitting, leaning against her bed, still in the middle of the room. The diary contained all of her erratic thoughts and feelings about everything. No-one knew half of the things that lay in there, only she did. She couldn't imagine the reaction she would get if she told her friends some of the things that were in there. She had tried, many times, just little things, but the reactions she got just made her feel worse than she already was. They all said it was in her head, that it was completely normal and she was making something out of nothing. But that wasn't true. If it were normal, she would have felt like this before now and she knew she hadn't had these kinds of thoughts before. _That_ was how she knew these thoughts weren't normal. Now she just didn't tell them everything.

She looked around the room, thinking of all the things that made her do this. The constant insanity, the 'normal' thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, emptiness and loneliness, the fake smiles and laughs. The want to be anyone but herself. All these bottled up over who knows how long, never being able to tell anyone how she felt without feeling belittled. It was no wonder she lost it.

She stood up from her sitting position, grabbed her favourite figurine that her Dad had given her - a little porcelain girl with her thumb in her mouth holding a teddy bear down by her side - and threw it full force against the opposite wall. The figurine smashed upon impact, shattering into several different pieces, before falling onto the carpeted floor below. With that, she turned and stormed out of her room, out of the house and down the street. She needed to get out, she needed to escape. She just needed, even for a little while, for everything just to disappear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

She walked out of the house, down the familiar streets she took 5 days out of 7 towards the town centre and towards her school. She needed to talk to someone, she just didn't know who. Darien, nicknamed Dare, was, despite past history, one of her best friends. He was her confident, she told him everything, all of her problems she went to him, and he would understand in a way the girls never seemed too. He knew the most about her, possibly even more than she knew herself, though she wasn't sure that he knew this small fact. Dare was the one person she knew she could always count on, even if he could act like an 'annoying bastard', as she often called him, quite often to his face. Despite that, she trust Dare with her life.

It was quite the surprise to all her friends when they suddenly became best friends. Last year you could count on, every week herself and Darien would get into an argument about something or other. Looking back, most of the time it was over petty things, or based on false hearsay, but, unfortunately for the both of them, there were times when they fought over larger issues. All of a sudden though, the fights just seemed to stop completely, not that either one of the parties involved complained. She blamed it on the fact he finally got a decent girlfriend that lasted longer than a month – one of his first girlfriends she liked, considering it was her friend Rei, but unfortunately for them they only lasted for a month. After Rei, she didn't like any of Darien's girlfriends, until his current one, and since her, all the fighting between herself and Dare ceased, much to her happiness.

Now, after all the arguments have ended, she and Darien are best friends, and have been now for the past year. She trusted him with everything, and although he would never say it to her, even though she had asked him directly many times, she knew that she burdened him sometimes in her need for comfort and advice. Even knowing this, she still, despite her better judgement, couldn't help but need to turn to Dare at times and tell him her thoughts, feelings and fears. '_He's the only one that ever truly understands'_ she thought to herself. She noticed where her feet had taken her – to the park she normally goes to in times of need to reflect upon things – and sat down on the bench which overlooked the river.

'_Dare is the only one that doesn't try to patronise what I feel, and say that what I feel is completely normal. I know it's not normal behaviour. It __**can't**__ be normal behaviour, when I know that I haven't felt like this before and, when looking back introspectively, my thoughts and feelings are totally irrational, and yet, at the time when they float through my head, I can't see reason and they feel rational. Rei does that quite a lot, patronise my feelings I mean. I don't think she means to, on the whole, but she does, and most of the time it makes me feel worse. Mina's the only other one that understands – the only other person apart from Dare that I trust with my secrets. I call them secrets because I try, and mostly succeed, to hide what I'm feeling most of the time so only if I tell people then they will know what goes on in my head. But neither Dare nor Mina know all of them, I'm scared they'll hate me if they know everything, or think I'm insane (which I probably am).'_ She stared into the reflective surface of the water as she thought. _'That's enough self-pitying, might as well do something constructive whilst I'm here.'_

She took the revision folder out of her bag she had picked up and placed it, open, upon her lap. Looking at it, flicking through the pages absentmindedly, the words she had previously written on the pages inside passing over the top of her head as she failed take in the information. '_I'm so tired, I want to stop but I know I can't'. _She thought to herself. '_I need to write. Now. But where?'_ She looked at the clock on her mobile phone's display and saw that it was 2:30pm. '_It's Saturday, so almost everyone will be working, and if not busy, so I guess I can go to the cafe.' _The cafe was her sanctuary where she could escape and write or be with her friends after school. She was thankful that today was Saturday, as it meant that it was highly unlike that she would bump into any of her friends, leaving her to be in peace and quiet. Writing in her book was her way of letting out all of her thoughts and feelings, about anything and everything, when she thought that she would be a burden to her friends or Darien wasn't about. Today it was the former, she needed to be alone and not be a burden to Darien yet again – he had enough to deal with as it was. She arrived swiftly to the cafe and began to write.

_**I shouldn't be doing this, I know I shouldn't. I should be sitting at home, withdrawn from everyone, studying my arse off for the exams. But I just can't focus at the moment - I'm so tired I could just fall asleep now if I wanted too. I don't have enough **__**TIME**__** to do everything as well as relaxing. I have 10 exams starting in 3 weeks, and yet, even with all of the revision that I've been doing, it still feels like I haven't learnt anything, and I've only just scratched the surface of it. I can't afford to fail – not this year. Parentals would go ballistic on me if I did. I'm working my arse off in all subjects, and all it means is that my grades are getting worse. Stupid isn't it – the harder I work, the lower my grades get. Then there are those people that do NOTHING and get perfect bloody As. I'm sick of the fact that I'm such a disappointment to everyone. I'm trying my best, but even that isn't good enough anymore.**_

_**Dad's getting annoyed at me because all I'm doing at weekends is revising and when Sammy asks me to play with him, I say I can't, that I'm busy, and then dad has to make up some excuse to placate Sammy's 6 year old mind. Thankfully Rini, my 8 year old sister, understands more than Sammy does. I feel awful though – I know I'm neglecting them, and I don't mean too, but I'm trying my best to not fail this year, like I did last year, and just end up with people being annoyed at me still. I hate it. It's like I can never do anything right – EVER. If it's not one thing I'm doing wrong it's another – and the reasons never stop. I'm trying to please them, do what they ask me to, pass school to get to university, be a good person, have a life, but it's never enough – there is always something I'm doing that's wrong, that disappoints them. Even when they don't tell me, you can hear it in their voice.**_


End file.
